Decisions

I never thought I would ever find my dream job; everything I ever wanted, exactly what I went to school to become, loving every day because of having the perfect job...but I did! I found the job that I was so excited to get started on; the job that I moved away from my comfort zone, family, friends, home, to go and do well at. This job was full of the best women I have ever met. They were so full of support, kindness, and generosity; I felt like I had joined more of a family then a professional working environment. However, my little girl had a different feeling about our new life..My beautiful, happy, full of life little girl was deteriorating...She no longer wanted to play. She was always tired and began to not have an appetite. At night she would cry herself to sleep, wake up crying during all hours of the night, and when morning came she would continue to cry. Everyone would tell me day after day that, she is young and will adjust sooner or later. But for me I didn't know how long the adjustment process would last and if it was worth it to watch her go through this. 

I feel that when I decided to become a mother, of course becoming a mother is always a woman's choice; however, when I made that choice I took a oath to my daughter and I promised to protect her, love her, care for her, and provide her with a happy, healthy life. Ever since I was given this beautiful blessing I have changed every aspect of my life. I have changed who I was socially, I changed my focus on life, as well as my professional career path. All of these changes were made with the intention to provide the happiest life I could for my daughter.

The past few weeks have been extremely hard for me. When I found this job, I thought I was doing the absolute best that I could for my daughter and I by taking it. I was moving us to a nice friendly town, she was going to be closer to her dad, I found her a great baby sitter, and of course I had my dream job...as things began to unfold and everything began to fall apart (I will  not be giving all of our personal issues and details on here but...) I had to step back and look at what really truly mattered to us (my daughter and I) as a family. So I had to make the choice; we left our new town and moved back to our home. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, mostly because I was giving up something that seemed so perfect for me..However, to look a my daughter now, and lay down with her as she falls asleep just to see her smile before shutting her big brown eyes to fall asleep, I feel her happiness beginning to grow again. My little angel is growing back into the happy, fun, full of life little girl she is; and this makes my extremely hard decision so easy to accept and so very worth it.

Becoming a mommy is what I feel I was destined to become. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I now have found an amazing job here in this small friendly town and not only will I enjoy the work I do; but I feel at peace knowing my daughter is so happy with the decision I made to bring her back. Being a mommy comes with crazy hard decisions..but in the end, when the right choice is made everything feels right :)

As of now..

It's been a while since I've posted anything, everything has been kinda crazy..We are finally all settled in our new house; we miss our old home so much though. It seems that just as our life starts to go through a change like this, that's when everything begins to get complicated.  I'm sure nobody knows what I'm talking about, because it's not something I can openly write about, but it all comes down to relationships, love, trust, security, and happiness...

I hope everything I'm doing right now is the best choice for her and I. I cannot stand to hear her be upset daily about missing her home, it crushes me...Why is life so complicated? Our new home is beautiful, my job is amazing, and Skylar's babysitter is perfect..why does something still feel like it's missing? Why does all of this still not feel right?

Today we went out to explore our new town and it was a lot of fun. We walked through the downtown area, ate lunch, met a wonderful new lady, hung out in the Children's Library for a while, and then went searching for a fun playground. So far the town seems really good, and I definitely don't feel out of place here. I'm hoping with time that everything starts to fall into place; I'm hoping it all starts to feel right, like it should.

little by little

I now only have 9 days until the big day. I've been working hard on the sorting of things through our house as we are preparing to move. I've also slowly been trying to digest all of my reading material for my exam. I absolutely cannot wait until this test is done, over with, and out of the picture. I have never been so frustrated over a silly test...

Today when I left Skyar at preschool, one of her friends mother's and I were talking about the move. She told me that when she had explained to her daughter that Skylar would be moving, she burst into non-stop tears. It breaks my heart to see the great friends Skylar will be leaving here; I can only hope and pray that she will meet some lasting friends in our new town.

Children are like small adults to me. They still have feelings and emotions just as we do; they still attach themselves to others as we do; and they love as we do as well. I love watching my daughter as she has grown so much in the school she is in. I feel like everyday she grows and learns so much more. She shows so much affection to the individuals she loves, and it makes me proud to see the happiness she gives out to everyone.

All of this makes me so nervous to leave our comfort zone in this town. It's going to be such a huge change. Hopefully by taking small steps, little by little, we will grow to love our new home and friends just as we did here.

Looking for love

Trying to find true love in the world is never an easy thing to do, especially as a single mother. Since I've become a mother I had a few interests in men..however they didn't seem to work out. 

If you are a single mother, I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. You either find someone who is so much fun to go out with and do things together with, however when you put that person into the mix of your already formed family involving your child; you know that person is definitely not who you are supposed to be with.

Or you may find someone who seems just perfect. That person might treat you better than any other person has before, they might be the one who treats you to nice dinners, takes you to the movies, writes songs for you, and is wonderful with your child. However, you may still find a reason why you cannot be with them.

I've been in all of these situations, in fact 1 year ago today, I said yes to a marriage proposal. Everything at that time seemed just perfect. But here I am today, not with that person, and I am still incredibly happy just being mommy:)

So mommies out there, be picky, just because they may seem absolutely perfect for you, does not mean that is the perfect situation for your life with your child. Stay focused on being a mom, the rest will come when it is supposed to.

16 days...

So as of today, I have 16 days until I take a huuuuge exam...that I need for my new job; and I sign my lease to move that same day. I feel like time is running out. This test is going to be horrible, I don't see myself having enough time to study and do well, but I have to. I'm so busy, but I'm not being very productive.

I need to be sorting through house things, figuring out what I want to keep or throw out. I need to sort toys, and cloths, and find furniture, oh and I also need to start packing.

I still have about 4 weeks left of my classes that I'm teaching so I still need to make time to prepare lessons, grade papers, and make sure all of that is taken care of before I leave.

Skylar's been getting upset because I haven't been making time to just play either. Tonight will be a 100% focus on studying night, so tomorrow will be a worry free play all day time with her:) Good news, it's almost the weekend meaning I have a little extra time to prepare for things next week, bad news is when the weekend is over I will only have 12 days to prepare for things.

Wish me luck everyone, it realllly is crunch time:/

What do I do...

Ode to my Parents

If it wasn't for my parents, I would not have gotten as far as I have. My parents have supported me 100% my entire life, and with every decision I have made while raising my daughter to this point. They have been there to push me to my fullest and reach all of my goals; they have praised me and helped me hold my head up when everything blew up and was at most the hardest it ever has been. My parents held their arms open wide when all of my plans changed, and they welcomed my new miracle and myself into their home. My parents are the reason I am the person that I have become today. They are by far the best mom and dad; "yama and papa". Thank you, I love you both so much.